Okay, it's the Top 12, about to be whittled down to the Top 10.

I think that absolutely Jakob, Russell and Legacy are staying, Victor, Ryan and Nathan are on the bubble and probably Nathan will be cut this week. For the girls, definitely Ashleigh, Kathryn and Karen are staying, with Mollie, Ellenore and Noelle on the bubble, most likely Noelle will go.

All that was written before the show started, let's see what actually happens! And I'm MUCH less certain about the girls than the boys.

Ryan and Ellenore are doing the Lindy Hop, which should probably do well for them, a fun, high-energy partner dance. And I thought that was awesome. So does Adam! And Mary! Nigel starts out by saying, "I think it's terrible...that we haven't had the Lindy Hop on for the last three seasons!" O Nigel, you card.

Kathryn and Legacy are doing a Sonja jazz routine about a guy who quivers whenever he sees his lady. Okay, Sonja, whatever you say. And it starts with Legacy doing that spider arm walk across the stage, which is okay by me. Plus, he's shirtless! Best dance ever so far! Holy crap, that was sexy. That was fabulous on both of their parts, not just Legacy with his tricks. Nigel compliments Legacy on his musicality, that he didn't think he had it in him, and Legacy answers, "I was dancing!"

Karen and Victor are doing a secret lovers tango. They are new partners this week in the last week of these partnerships, which I don't think will help them much, but Karen was born to tango, so if Victor can keep up, it should work. And it did. Victor seemed very strong and powerful, his height worked for him in this, and Karen made us believe in this relationship.

In the teaser for the next dances, Noelle and Russell are in sexy outfits doing sexy moves and Mollie and Nathan have their hair all crazy and are talking into invisible phones. This only says one thing to me. That idiot Tyce.

I was wrong! Mollie and Nathan are doing a hip hop routine about Alexander Graham Bell inventing the telephone! Boy did I call that wrong! And it was fun, but kind of eh. Better than okay, less than great. The judges are kind but unenthusiastic. Nigel says that it was a little like "Dolly Dinkle's Regional Hip Hop Class 101", though he also says that he is positive they'll both be in the Top 10.

Noelle and Russell are doing a samba. As they say in the rehearsal footage, this is a tough dance to come into cold. Russell was terrific, because he was born terrific, Noelle was okay. They are getting the tiresome, "You're too sweet for this dance" critique from Adam. I love you, Adam, but honestly.

Ashleigh and Jakob, who would have to actually murder Nigel during their routine to not make Top 10, and even then that might not take them out of the running, are doing a lyrical jazz by Sonja about a moment of contentment, which doesn't sound exciting, but might be beautiful. And it was. My God, Jakob is bendy.

So far, I'd say Karen and Victor, Noelle and Russell and Mollie and Nathan are bottom three.

Okay, now everyone does a second dance! Ryan and Ellenore are doing a dark Broadway routine about the dark side of fame, by Spencer, thank goodness. They are dancing to the most hideously edited version of Razzle Dazzle from Chicago that I have ever heard. Who cut this song down, Norman Bates? The dance is actually great, but the song is very distracting.

Kathryn and Legacy are doing a waltz. This may be extremely bad news for out Legacy. However, it looks like the choreogrpher brilliantly made the story that she's the guardian angel and he's the dancer who never was and she guides him through the whole thing. Which just might be genius. Okay, that seriously made me cry and I watched it twice. I couldn't care less what the judges say. And the first words out of Adam's mouth are, in such a sweet voice, "Are you crying again? Legacy, why are you crying?" So it wasn't just me. Legacy answers that it's the portrayal of hope that makes him cry, happy tears. Nigel says that they can't be mean to him after that! Cat says that if they are, that the whole audience will mutiny. They all agree that there were some technical issues, but that they both stole everyone's hearts.

Karen and Victor are doing a Lori Ann hip hop. I hope this doesn't suck as much as the last thing she did on the show. They are supposed to be moving mountains. It's okay. Victor's jacket is incredibly distracting. The judges are wishy washy about it. Karen looks like she's smiling as hard as she can through tears.

Mollie and Nathan are doing the can can, choreographed by Tyce. I'm going to try REALLY HARD not to hate it before it starts. I liked it! Despite that idiot Tyce! The second routine of the night ending in a double split. Nigel throws in the fact that the girls didn't wear panties, which I was thinking throughout the routine, wondering if anyone would bring it up. Natch, that someone was Nigel.

Noelle and Russell are doing another goddamn Tyce routine. Contemporary, apparently painting their relationship on each other. Or something. Was she supposed to rip his shirt? Not that I'm complaining. That's pretty nice, actually. What's wrong with me, two idiot Tyce routines in a row that I don't hate? Well, I'm awfully tired.

Okay, last one is Ashleigh and Jakob's cha cha. Another prop dance for them, they are fighting for posession of a chair. That was fun and sexy.

Same bottom three as far as I'm concerned, Noelle and Russell only because there must be three. I think I was wrong at the beginning, I think Victor and Karen might be going.

Here is my order of the night:

1. Kathryn and Legacy quivering jazz
2. Ellenore and Ryan dark side of fame Broadway
3. Kathryn and Legacy's waltz of tears
4. Ellenore and Ryan Lindy Hop
5. Ashleigh and Jakob contentment jazz
6. Ashleigh and Jakob chair cha cha
7. Noelle and Russell painting contemporary
8. Mollie and Nathan can can
9. Karen and Victor tango
10. Noelle and Russell samba
11. Karen and Victor moving mountains hip hop
12. Mollie and Nathan telephone hip hop

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It's Dancing With the Stars finals week! We're down to the final three, Mya, Donny and Kelly. I was sure it would be Mya, Donny and Joanna, but I liked Kelly so much I really wanted her to go to finals, even though Joanna deserved it. And then afterwards, Joanna wrote a couple of nasty things on Twitter about how everyone knows it's just a popularity contest, and I was like, I'm glad you're out!

Kelly and Louis are coached through the tango by Carrie-Ann, and this was the dance that they fucked up in week 2, so it's a lot of pressure. Wow. That's some super-awesome footwork from Miss Kelly O! And a shot of Ozzy practically weeping in the audience.

Mya and Dmitry are doing a paso. Their judge who comes in and gives notes is Len, of course, the enemy of Dmitry's choreography all season long. They are dancing to "We Will Rock You" and I'm a little lackluster about it. Or maybe it's the vocal performance, which just isn't doing it for me. Sounds thin and reedy. The audience has lost their minds, however. And the judges loved it, so it must have been my being distracted by it not being sung properly. Yeah, they get a perfect 30.

Donny and Kym are doing the cha cha cha, coached by his boyfriend, Bruno. My question is, if he slept on the couch for stroking Kym's thigh during the tango, what'd he get for making out with Bruno? They're dancing to "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire, because Donny does best with the 70s tunes. That was just swell! His hips were cooking. Bruno says that they didn't show it in the video, but he shouted at Donny for an hour and never got any attitude back, nothing but professionalism and commitment, the mark of a true star.

So far it's Mya 30, Donny 27, Kelly 26.

Next is the Megamix, i.e. three stars dancing identical choreography of three dances right next to each other, waltz, samba and jive. I'd rate them Mya, Donny, Kelly, but it was really hard to tell who was fucking up the unison, because the unison was fucked pretty consistantly.

Yep, I was right, so now the points are Mya 60, Donny 55, Kelly 52.

Freestyle! Kelly and Louis are dancing to "I Will Survive". In rehearsal, Louis demonstrates a handstand and Kelly says, "You're out of your fucking mind, I'm not doing that, why am I doing that, I've got a skirt on, it'll go over my head! That is not gonna look graceful, I'll look like a beached whale upside-down!" They end up not doing that move, and one of the lifts she kind of fell during, but they just kept going. They survived! They are howling laughing waiting for their scores, she says, "One of the lifts it looked like Louis pooped me out!"

Mya and Dmitry's freestyle is to "You Can't Stop the Beat" from Hairspray, and it's really joyous and fun. The judges complain that it wasn't spectacular enough, that it didn't take enough chances, that it didn't showcase Mya enough. For this she gets straight 9s instead of straight 10s.

Donny and Kym are doing a Broadway number, and they are practicing lift after lift in the rehearsal footage. My favourite moment is when he lifts her into an aerial and she kicks him in the head. "Sorry, did I hit you? You've gotta keep your head back," pause, giggling, "I know that now!" And his final words, "I wanna win this mirror ball so badly, because if you had a sister named Marie and she was gonna rub it in your face for the rest of your life, you'd wanna win it too!" I adore Donny Osmond. Okay, for me, that was the best freestyle. Such fun, and they nailed the fuck out of it. I'm gonna see some 10s, I'll bet! Yep, a perfect 30!

So we end with Mya 87, Donny 85, Kelly 76.

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Here we go with Week 3 of SYTYCD. What complete horseshit will we hear out of the judges mouths this week? Or, I guess, Nigel and Mary's mouths, because Adam speaks no shit. I love the Adam.

They start out by showing childhood pictures of the judges. Mary apparently is about 60 years old, because that picture has to be from 1963 judging from the beehive and she looks about 14. What does Wikipedia say? It says she was born in 1958. To which I say ha. And also ha.

They are showing childhood videos of all the dancers today, it's pretty cute. Jakob and Ashleigh are doing a hip hop routine. This could be a gigantic disaster. They are playing a couple and he's cheated on her. As Jakob says, in their first dance she seduced him, then they got married, then last week they were fighting with the cane, and now this week he's cheated! The over-arching story that is being created for Jakob and Ashleigh is very interesting. What will the last dance be about, elderly people tottering into the grave?Let's see how they hip hop. Wow. Much better than I expected. In fact, really good. Nigel says that Jakob will get to the top ten, which might just be the kiss of death. He says that Ashleigh is so good that the people who doubted her are eating their words. He doesn't mention that he himself is a word eater. Wait, now Adam says Jakob is going to the top ten too, how fast do you think he'll get voted out now?

Karen and Kevin are doing a Broadway routine. Hopefully not by the dreaded sideburned idiot with the nose. Nope, it's someone guy nmed Spencer, and they are doing a number from Sweet Charity. They find it very hard in the rehearsal footage, which means that it will probably be amazing. And it was pretty darn good! Nigel didn't like it. I thought it was swell. Apparently they didn't bring the humour. He isn't being a dick about it, at least. Adam liked it better than the other two. This is because Adam is just generally a better person than Nigel and Mary are.

Noelle and Russell are doing the foxtrot. Which they already did, week one, when Noelle was injured! But this time they actually get to do it together. Why does this poor krumper get foxtrot twice? Does God hate him? It's okay, I'm not nuts about it. Nigel likes it, which is fine by me because I adore Russell. Mary and Adam also are kvelling.

Channing and Victor are, unfortunately, doing a jazz routine by the idiot with the sideburns and the nose. Ugh. God, they are playing blackbirds. Tyce seems very proud of himself for coming up with such a cah-razy idea. Then he yells at them a lot in rehearsal. Because he thinks he's Balanchine. Rather than a dick with teeth. Will they be dancing to the blackbird's song from Dumbo? Nope, to Bobby McFerrin's version of the Beatles' song. They do a good job, but it's ultimately pointless. I might be a little bit distracted by my blinding detestation of Tyce, I'm trying not to be.

Kathryn and Legacy are doing a paso. Legacy says that when he was a kid he was really rebelious and he didn't want to dance with his dad so his dad gave him $5 and that's what started him dancing. Parents, take note! Occasionally, bribery totally works! Legacy is dancing shirtless. I think this is a fine, fine idea. This is a SUPER paso! Totally dramatic and sexy and awesome and if any of those judges say ONE BAD THING, I with dive into the TV and punch them in the throat. Clearly, they have not gone insane, they loved it.

Ellenore and Ryan are doing a Travis Wall contemporary routine, which is a good pick, because Travis is the best choreographer on the show and people tend to kill in his routines. That was gorgeous. Nigel completely agrees that the luck of this draw will definitely help them this week. Of course, he says, they danced it incredibly, which also helps! Mary gets teary talking about how Ryan is an inspiration to ballroom dancers across the country.

Mollie and Nathan are doing a pop jazz routine. What's pop jazz? Whatever it it, they have to bring the dance from the depths of their souls. We'll see how deep their souls are. Okay, I think I don't like pop jazz. This is terrible choreography. I don't think it's their souls fault. The judges kind of love it, but that might have been because they hated it last week so much.

Here's the order of the week:
1. Legacy and Kathryn's awesome paso
2. Ellenore and Ryan's Travis contemporary
3. Jakob and Ashleigh cheater hip hop
4. Karen and Kevin Sweet Charity Broadway
5. Noelle and Russell's foxtrot mark II
6. Mollie and Nathan pop jazz
7. Channing and Victor's stupid-ass blackbird thing

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It's semi-finals day on Dancing With the Stars!

It's only Donny, Mya, Joanna and Kelly left over, and they are all doing three dances this week.

Starting with Donny and Kym and the tango, and Giles Marini is there to teach Donny how to make everyone uncomfortable with the sensuality of his tango. The words "Donny Osmond" and "make everyone uncomfortable with the sensuality of his tango" have never before been in the same sentence, or possibly even in the same room together. We'll see how that works. So far, it looks tense, ice cold, and danced to the wrong song if you are trying to be sexy. The end was a bit more intense than the rest, but I'm not hopeful about his marks. Neither is he, because he is is shrieking up a storm. He says it's because he saw Marie in the audience. Apparently there was a costume malfunction. I couldn't dance a sexy dance while looking at Marie Osmond, either.

Joanna and Derek are doing the waltz. Brooke Burke came in to do imitations of Derek with Joanna that are very funny. Seriously, they are dancing to "Hallelujah"? Kind of a clapped out song at this point, though it's still one of my favourites. Enough so that I notice that he made a mistake in the lyrics, it's "major lift" not "major fifth". Bet they leave out the verse about obsessive sex, especially since their characters are pretty much Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier. Gorgeous dance.

Kelly and Louis are doing a rhumba. I wonder who is going to visit their rehearsal? O no, one of her dogs died. Donny gets Giles, Joanna gets Brooke, Kelly gets a dead dog. This doesn't seem entirely fair. I'm slightly bored by this rhumba. Sharon is jumping up and down in the audience and the crowd won't stop cheering, so I'm assuming that I'm wrong. Carrie-Ann is weeping, so clearly I am. Len and Bruno are not as thrilled.

Mya and Dmitry are doing a waltz. No guests, no dead animals, just lots of pushups. Don't ask. Lovely, lovely dance.

One third of the way through, it's Mya 28, Joanna 27, Kelly 24, Donny 21. It's very exciting!

Now, instead of rehearsal footage for the second dance, they are doing life stories, starting with Donny. Hey look, it's the 1970s! Why is one of his sons Hispanic? I'm assuming it's an optical illusion, but here are two of them and one looks like Joel McHale and the other like Luis Guzman. Good Lord, Marie, leave some Botox for the rest of us. Okay, time for the dance, they are doing the samba. To an Osmond Brothers song, "One Bad Apple"! About time! They even start with that side to side Osmond move. This just might be awesome. And it is. If we don't see a 10, I'll be really surprised. It won't be from Carrie-Ann, as she says it was sloppy. Bruno and Len, however, have 10s in their eyes. Nope, 9s.

Joanna is from Communist Poland and grew up poor. Hef says that she has a special spark over a slo-mo shot of her bending over and shaking her tits. Subtle, DWTS, subtle. She's dancing the cha-cha. Derek looks like he's trying to out-dance her. Her pants are also out-dancing her. I love Joanna, but this is dullsville. I am not agreed with. Which is cool by me!

Kelly's life story is next. Wow, I've never seen her look more like Sharon than in these interview sequences. She's doing the quickstep. To, for some unknown reason, the English version of "99 Luftballons". I saw one error, but other than that, it's pretty awesome. Wow, my call from the start was that the finals would be Mya, Joanna, and Donny, but Kelly might just make it!

Ugh, I'm crashing hard. I'll watch the rest in the morning.

***

Good morning!

Mya took tap as a child, Joanna took ballet, and Donny of course danced in formation with his brothers, so the key to doing well on DWTS is to take dance as a child. So if you think your kid might grow up to be a B to C level celebrity, get them to the dance studio now! Now Mya's doing the salsa. Holy crap, if that doesn't get three 10s, I'll drop dead, that was absolutely amazing. And it did! Best dance of the season, I think.

Okay, the order has not changed from the first round, it's Mya 58, Joanna 54, Kelly 51, Donny 47.

Now they are going to do their knockout dances, the short dances that they had prepared for their dance-offs. So we'll finally see what Donny's green spangled suit was for. Which is a jitterbug. Okay, they got to pick the music for this, and Donny has my heart forever for choosing a Barry Manilow song, "Jump Shout Boogie"! Terrific.

Joanna is doing a salsa, which is almost too bad after how amazing Mya's salsa was only a few minutes ago. And I don't know if the reason I'm not that impressed was because of that or not. Well, the judges loved it.

Both Kelly and Mya are doing the cha cha, Kelly because she did it poorly at the beginning of the season and Mya because she did it well, and it's probably a good thing that Kelly's going first. She did a nice job and laid that ghost.

Okay, last dance of the semis, Mya's cha cha. So far all of the last dances have gotten 9s from every single judge. See how that worm has turned, Carrie-Ann was a little disappointed, and Len loved it. I truly believe that the reason Len was such a dick earlier in the season was to make it not so obvious that she is the winner.

And now, at the end of the show, the order hasn't changed a bit, Mya 87 (that's 3 points off of perfection), Joanna 81, Kelly 78 and Donny 74.

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Okay, time to start recapping SYTYCD!

Karen, the Latin dancer who is weekly turning Adam straight, talks about how she and her dancer husband split up after he was cut in Vegas. What will happen to Ryan and Ashleigh when one of them gets cut, I wonder? She and hip-hop Kevin are doing the Hustle. I freaking love the Hustle. That's my childhood, the Hustle. I'm not crazy about Kevin in this dance. I can't tell if it's the choreography or his dancing I don't like, but his legs feel stiff and kind of gsllumphing. He almost dropped her when it was over, but they played it off beautifully. The judges love what Kevin did, so apparently it was the choreography I didn't like. I'll go with that, I like Kevin a lot, generally.

Ashleigh says that she is a big nerd and tells us what she studied in college, etc. Ashleigh thinks America thinks she's a dummy. She and Jakob are doing a jazz routine with a cane. A cane that has been given no meaning but that it's the third member of their dance. They are dancing to Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood with the line "When you wanna come" taken out. Really? It's kind of like when the Stones had to sing "Let's spend some time together" rather than "Let's spend the night together," they aren't fooling anyone, we all know the lyrics, Fox. Besides that, it's a really great dance. And Jakob is just as awesome as the judges keep telling him he is. He and Ashleigh are really terrific together.

Pauline and Peter, the last tapper standing, are next. They are doing the quickstep, aka the kiss of death. I think it's great, helps that there is a good story, but Peter's frame sucks. Adam agrees that the story helped the kiss of death aspect of it. Nigel says that the technique wasn't great, but that he didn't care a bit because the performance was so good. And only in the dreaded quickstep can Mary's comment that it wasn't a trainwreck be looked at as a rave review!

Kathryn and Legacy are doing a Broadway dance. Dear God I hope it's not by terrible Tyce. Hooray, it's by someone named Andy instead! And it was terrific! I really love both of these dancers, but I have such a crush on Legacy that I could hardly watch her. He is so cute. She is not getting good notices, but he is.

Channing and Victor, new partners, are doing a contemporary routine about a toxic relationship. Victor better prove himself worthy for not having left last week, when I thought he should have. Wow. Okay. I accept that he stayed instead of Philip, that was incredible. And amazing choreography. Nigel is being picky that it was contemporary and they are both contemporary dancers and it was only great, not a trancendence to make the stars seem dim. I'm thinking that Nigel's standards are a teeny bit lofty.

Ellenore and Ryan are next. Ryan again telling us how heterosexual he is. Lil C is choreographing! He never choreographed a single thing last season, I'm looking forward to seeing this. Um? What the fuck are they wearing? Apparently they are bank robbers or something but they are dressed like mountain climbers. Are they robbing a bank halfway up a mountain? Yeah. Not impressed. And I love Ellenore and Ryan, but this is awful. Adam is giving good notices, I'm glad. He says it was a good yeoman's job, not great but good, especially with how far it is from their styles. Nigel doesn't like it at all.

Mollee and Nathan are salsa-ing next. Mollee is deaf in her left ear. And I'm half deaf in my right ear! No wonder I liked her right from the start even when everyone I know was howling "She's gonna ruin the season!" Deafies unite! Good Lord. I don't think Nathan has bones. Is it cheating, not to have bones? She's doing well, but he is ridiculously good. Right up until the end when that lift went a little wonky. Adam doesn't like it. How did he not see that Nathan was awesome? Has he gone blind? I don't understand these judges. They all agree.

Noelle and my boy Russell are doing Afro-jazz. This might be really interesting. There might be a reason it's last of the evening. Okay, I didn't even know Noelle was on the stage, Russell was the only thing I saw. I think she was doing a good job, but I just couldn't see her, he was so incredible. Adam: "You know, its crazy, when I think African princess, the first person is Noelle in my head. It's amazing, it's like a list of one!"

My favourites, Legagy, Ryan and Russell were two out of three great tonight. The dance order, descending, was:

1. Channing/Victor toxic relationship contemporary
2. Ashleigh/Jakob cane jazz dance
3. Noelle/Russell Afro-jazz princess and frog
3. (tied with above) Kathryn/Legacy I Wanna Be Like You Broadway
5. Pauline/Peter hula dancer quickstep
6. Karen/Kevin Hustle
7. Mollee/Nathan samba
8. Ellenore/Ryan hip-hop bank robbers

I don't know who's going, but I hope not Ellenore and Ryan.

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How nice, they are introducing Kelly as "singer Kelly Osbourne" rather than "reality star Kelly Osbourne", because that's kind of embarrassing.

They are talking about the top five and what everyone has to work on and again, everyone's criticism of Mya is entirely Dmitri's choreography, nothing about her at all, not one bit! Is this all a blind so that it won't be so obvious that she is the winner from week 1? That's my guess.

Mya and Dmitri do a quickstep that looked pretty classic to me, there might not be such horseshit from Len in the marks this time. And, after a fakeout where it sounded like he was going to shit all over her again, he said that there was nothing to criticize! Might we see a 10? And we did!

The hateful Aaron, who will be whining in the rehearsal footage about being in the bottom three again, I have no doubt. Ah, and they are trying to make him seem like not such a dick by him saying sadly how he's never won anything in his life and him being all caring about Karina being sick. Somebody's noticed that the audience hates him! They are doing the foxtrot, and for some reason Karina is dressed as Jeannie out of the bottle. Yay, low scores!

Now Joanna is doing the quickstep. Derek is dressed like a waiter on a cruise ship. That was pretty good, but Mya's was better, I don't think she'll be getting a 29. Her legs seemed very stiff. Not good judges remarks, but hopefully she'll get higher marks than Aaron did. Nope, exactly the same!

Okay, here's my girl Kelly, whom I think is likely to go this week, although I'd love it if she held up until the semis! She and Louis are doing a really smooth foxtrot. He's one of the best choreographers of the pros, no question. He's like Cheryl, he doesn't try to outdance his partner, he dances with her. The judges like it, though Carrie-Ann noticing what I did, that she doesn't spot her turns.

Donny is visibly thinner than he was in week 1. It's the Dancing With the Stars diet! He and Kym are doing the waltz. Donny is better than any of the rest of them at getting into the character of the dance. He sells it facially every time. That sounds like damning with faint praise, but it's actually big praise. Dancing is acting and if you make the audience believe the characters, the story and the relationship, that's half the battle.

Now they are all going to do a Latin dance, each in a different decade, because otherwise they'd never fill two hours with only five couples.

Mya and Dmitri and Dmitri's fake moustache are doing a 70's style samba. Let me tell you, for people whom I do not believe were actually born in the 1970s, that was one decently authentic disco-style dance. It was right out of American Bandstand, circa 1976. Wow, and there was the first perfect 30 of the season! I would like to congratulate the surgeon who removed the stick from Len's ass.

Aaron is doing a 90's samba, and is teaching Karina 90's moves. There were 90's moves? I wasn't paying much attention in the 90's, I guess. And they danced to that Spin Doctors song! I may not have paid attention to the moves, but that was the last time I liked any popular music.

Joanna and Derek are doing a paso from the future. Why does the future always mean emotionless robots? But you know what? Totally one of the best dances of the night. And the judges not only agree with me, they are all kvelling all over Derek's awesome choreography. Tom says, "Tonight we have learned that in the future we'll dance really well, but we're going to look ridiculous." I freaking love Tom.

Kelly's doing a jive in the Latin round? Since when is the jive a Latin dance? Samba, rhumba, paso double, tango, yes, jive? Really? She's teaching Louis go-go moves, actual authentic go-go moves! To a man who was born a lot closer to the 60's than she was! The thing is, when people think of the 70's or the 80's they think of one thing, for the 60's you can go in several different directions, but because Kelly is British they went in the more interesting direction, i.e. early 60's Mary Quant/Twiggy style. They're a couple of Mods up there! As someone who dated a Mod throwback in the 80's, it all looks very sweet and familiar. However, they are dancing to "River Deep, Mountain High", which doesn't match the look. And Len is gonna HATE the prop use! They throw in some pony and some swim and some twist steps. Though this is all my style, this Hullaballoo stuff, I don't think this is Kelly's best work. Though all of the judges disagree with me, which I'm glad about! Love the Kelly!

Donny as Adam Ant is doing an 80's paso. Kym is dressed Madonna style, which everyone remembers, of course, but no-one remembers the awesome Adam Ant look. O God, they are doing it to "You Turn Me Round"! Great song choice! Seems slowed down a little, though. Man, I loved the Latin Round of Various Eras, I think it was my favourite thing this whole season.

So the order of the evening is Mya (at only one point off of perfect), then Joanna, Kelly and Donny/Aaron tied. Seven points separate Mya and Joanna, but after Mya the other four are only two points apart.

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I didn't do a recap last week because I didn't have time to watch it until yesterday! It was a double elimination, and somehow Michael is still in the mix, I have no idea how. Apparently people like football in this country. I mean, I like Michael and wanted him to stay on all the way until last week, when I would have gotten rid of him and Melissa, not Melissa and Louie.

Michael begins with a dull, if competant fox trot that won't do a thing to keep him in the competition. The judges like it, though. We may even see a couple of 8s. And he did, two 8s and a 7!

Here's how I look at it, Mya, Donny, Aaron and Joanna aren't going anywhere, which leaves Kelly, Mark and Michael in the bottom three. Lacey's sick, so Mark has Anna as a substitute partner, which means he might get the sympathy vote. I do not want Kelly to go, though. If Aaron were in the bottom three instead, that would make me happy. Anyway, I say all this only having seen Michael dance, so it may be all speculation.

Donny's doing a swell quickstep, though Kym's costume is hideous, which is slightly distracting. The stars designed their partner's costumes this week, and you can totally tell, at least in this case.

Mark with substitute partner Anna is doing a very weird, but fun samba. Hell, maybe that's exactly what the samba is supposed to look like, I wouldn't know, but it seemed very peculiar. And the judges agree. They are being kind, and Len is being so sweet this week I can only assume that when it gets time to judge his loathed Mya that he will start insulting her mother and spit in her face, but all in all, I see bottom three all the way.

Mya is doing the fox trot, and Cloris Leachman, of all people on the planet earth, comes onto the rehearsal to give them pointers. Because she is old and was around when the fox trot was new, not because she knows a single thing about dancing. I'm not being mean, they said it straight out! Great dance, so I'm assuming Len will give it a 2. He hates Dmitri's choreography, he always does. Carrie-Ann says that Len is totally smoking crack.

At this point, last night, I passed out, because after six straight days of getting up at 5a or 6a, I can no longer manage to stay concious after 10p. Picking it up today. I'd like to nap, but I will soldier on.

Aaron is next. Bleh. Have I ever disliked a star on this show more than him? I really don't think so. I...I...I...I am rendered speechless Aaron Carter is dancing the jive in a happy, bouncy fashion with Karina in a dress made of pink fringe to...to "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister. I wonder if Dee Snyder watched it? Frankly, he's got a great sense of humour and probably thought it was hilarious, but my God, on the list of things that I thought I'd never see, that is pretty near the top. The judges love it, Len is threatening a 10. He got a 29. We're never getting rid of this asshole.

Kelly has a bunch of meltdowns in the rehearsal footage for the salsa, but I just hope so hard she does well. And I thought she was terrific! Here's hoping the judges don't just shit all over her. And they don't, hooray! I really think of all of the couples, Kelly and Louis are the ones who are really the closest.

Apparently, Derek is going to show Joanna what it's like to be romanced by a real Latin lover. Is that real Latin lover supposed to be Derek? I think the term that he might be looking for is Iowan lover. They actually do a funny skit of romance on the beach in Derek's imagination, ending with him kissing himself in the mirror. Anyway, they're doing the rhumba. I found it fairly dull, but I like Joanna and want her to get good scores. Which she did.

Now is the team dancing, Michael, Mya, Michael and Aaron are Team Paso, and Donny, Kelly and Joanna are Team Tango. You'd think that Michael would be the weak link, but it's totally Mark, what with his partner change for the week. I'm not entirely nuts about the paso, they seemed to lean a bit too much on the idea of promenading in the choreography.

Next is Team Tango, with only three couples, three pretty strong couples, though Donny is apparently getting the flu. I thought that was much better and more interesting than Team Paso. And Carrie-Ann agrees with me, though she goes insane about the lift.

Wow, with those scores added, Mya is way down in the pack! It's Joanna, Aaron, Donny/Kelly, Mya, Michael, Mark! I stand by Michael, Mark and Kelly in the bottom three tomorrow, with the two gents going home.

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So I was sitting at Burger King using my laptop when a woman ran through the door, grabbed the computer, and ran out again. At first I thought, is that a friend of mine playing a trick? But nope, it was a thief robbing me for real in real life.

I chased her and chased her and ran as fast as I could, screaming and screaming the while, but she got away from me and jumped into a cab and I couldn't get the license plate number because there were several other cars between us.

I considered chasing the cab, but I had left my bag and my iPod at Burger King and decided not to lose that too. I walked back to BK and a guy was watching my stuff and apologized for not reacting fast enough to catch her himself, but hell, neither did I.

So I went to the precinct at the Port Authority in order to make a report, but they only deal with robberies that actually happen in the Port Authority, so I had to go to Midtown South. But I didn't have my serial number with me so I'm going to have to make the report tomorrow.

Obviously they aren't going to kill themselves trying to get my laptop back, but it seemed like a very smooth and practiced snatch and I wouldn't be at all surprised if there is a rash of these robberies in the area.

I have lived in this city for 27 years and have never ever been robbed, so I guess it was my turn. And as I was chasing her, I really felt like I was in a movie, it was entirely surreal. But let me tell you, movie or no, even though I have only thrown a punch in anger one time in the whole of my life, had I caught her, I would have beaten the shit out of her with no hesitation.

I also would have explained to her that my computer overheats and crashes about five times a day, and good luck with it.

The closest I have ever experienced anything like this before was when my mother had her purse snatched when we were in Rome when I was 11, but this time I'm not in a foreign country with no money, passports, or any way to get to Zurich in two days to make the charter flight (we did make it, because my mother fucking willed us too, it was amazing), so on the whole, it could have been a lot worse.

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Yay, it's Dancing With the Stars night, death flu edition!

Because I now follow all of the DWTS gang on Twitter, I have known for some days that Derek is sick and Joanna is dancing with Maks instead. In fact, I even dreamt about them last night, which leads me to believe that I am slightly too into this show.

Natalie is doing the paso. Five pasos tonight, five tangos. I think that the group hustle might be a real relief after all that intensity.

Natalie's paso seems oddly slow. "American Woman" is such an uptempo song, why were the steps so slow? I think she's a strong enough mover not to be doing it at half tempo.

The loathsome Aaron is doing the tango. The reason, Aaron, that Carrie Ann said that you turn people off is because every time you open your mouth you sound like you are lying, except when you are being a jerk, which sounds completely honest. Karina hates him, too. You can tell the ones that are hitting it (Louie and Chelsie) or have crushes (Derek on Joanna and Kelly on Louis), and you can also tell the ones who clock out at the end of the day, call their friends and tell them how much they hate their celebrity. Why was Aaron wearing a military jacket for his interviews this week? I can't think of a single reason that makes sense. Hoping to star in a new version of Babes in Toyland? Bought from the Michael Jackson estate sale?

I couldn't even watch that stupid dance, but it got a standing ovation, so I am imagining that they liked it better this week. Yeah. Whatever. Hate.

Argh! When La Toya is in the audience, and the camera catches a shot of her, it's like Tootsie, not too close! She's looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein, the plastic surgery cat woman.

Michael is doing the paso. He was my pick to be gone last week, but I felt so sorry for him that I was hoping to lose the point. He puts a nickel in his ass so that he'll keep his butt clenched and his hips forward. I think he's doing pretty well! Not with the nickel, with the dance. I want him to get more points! At the end, he gives Bruno the butt nickel. He gets his best score ever, but he's still last.

Mya does the tango, and keeps kneeing Dmitri in the balls in rehearsal. She tells him to wear a cup, and yet, he keeps knocking them balls home. Them they go build a house for Habitat for Humanity. The dance is awesome, she is awesome, as per usual. And Len got laid this week because he isn't being an enormous cock for once.

Mark is doing the paso, and Lacey's giving him a solo. Lacey is wearing a faux-hawk, God only knows why. Very strong paso, best of the night so far!

Seriously, I want to be on this show so badly. As I have said before, the level of fame required is barely above the level of fame that I already have, ie none whatsoever. Half a step above complete obscurity, that's all that's required! O, how I long to be an extremely minor celebrity so that I can be on DWTS!

My beloved Donny is next. And he's doing the tango. Kym asks him if he understands passion, and he grins and says, "I've got five kids, what do you think?" And then he proceeds to dance the shit out of that tango! That is one sensual squeaky-clean Mormon, you've got right there! She's doing a lot of the big moves, but he is partnering solidly. Absolutely the best next to Mya's. Donny is back to flirting with Bruno, which is so funny. And then he gets two 10s and a 9! Both Carrie Ann and Bruno have crushes on Donny, I guess that's how you get them 10s.

Louie's doing the tango, tough to follow Donny! Didn't he already do a tango in previous weeks? And it was his best dance? Am I remembering that wrong? Yes, it was the rhumba, but that has the same attitude as the tango, so fingers crossed it'll go over as well. I like little Louie. His hair is slicked back again, that's a good sign. And it's good! Louie is best on the serious, sexy dances.

Melissa has one of sick partners, and one day when Mark couldn't make it out of his sickbed, Anya came in and coached. She tells Melissa to keep her boobies up, as she told Chuck is a previous week. Apparently she doesn't hold with saying "shoulders back", as most people do. Kind of a dull tango. Melissa does best on the high energy, funny dances, like last week's Charleston. Bruno said that she looked grumpy rather than sexy.

Kelly is doing the paso. Louis demonstrates with the skirt. "I love watching you in a skirt!" "It's not a skirt, it's a cape." "It's a skirt!" It's totally a skirt. They are dancing to Crazy Train, which is another one of those "Really?" songs. "Really? Crazy Train is a paso double?" and then she proceeds to dance the fuck out of it. Ozzie's there, and he's standing and clapping. So sweet. Louis looks crazy hot in Ozzie's eyeliner.

Joanna is doing the tango, and they tell the saga of Derek getting sick and Maks taking over. Maks says how refreshing it is how fast she picks up choreography, which, to me, only is a dig against poor Debi. Very intense tango. With a little mistake in it, but awesome besides.

Now they are going to do the group hustle. The dance of my childhood. And Corky is teaching it to them in a brown leisure suit. Some things should have been left in the 70's. Aaron the jerk says that he can do a better flip than Louie. That would be Louie the SNOWBOARDER. Louie does a crazy flip with a twist from a standing start, Aaron jumps a squeals like a little girl. It looks like those two things, the flip and the squeal were cut together, but anything that makes Aaron look like the tool he is makes me happy. Have I mentioned yet that I can't stand the little twerp? They are all wearing brownish vintage clothes and crazy wigs and fake sideburns and are dancing to the only proper song to hustle to, "The Hustle". Of the pros, the best hustler is Maks, who was born to effing hustle, and of the stars, I hate to say it, but it's totally Aaron.

No scores on the hustle. The final order is Donny, Mya, Mark, Aaron/Kelly/Joanna tied, Melissa, Natalie/Louie tied, then poor Michael. I don't know who's gonna go. Either Michael or Natalie, I think.

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O my TOOF!

On Tuesday I sort of had a sore gum/tooth situation and I didn't think anything of it until the evening when I realized wait a gosh-darn minute here, it's not a sore gum, it's an actual toothache! So I dug out my vicodin from my last root canal and took some of that.

The next morning I called my wonderful dentist, whom I adore, to get an appointment for Thursday, and his receptionist, whom I also adore, said that he only comes in at 2p on Thursdays. Unfortunately, I had a dog to walk at 4p on Thursday. But that she would talk to the dentist and get back to me.

Which she did, saying that he would come in at noon just for me! How much do I love my dentist? So much!

So Thursday I went in, and we found out that there is an abcess, it is infected, and because of this fact, it wouldn't go numb no matter how much novecain (novacain?) he pumped into me. So he gave me prescriptions for penicillin and ibuprofen, and, after I whined, more vicodin, and I'm getting the root canal next Thursday.

The funny thing is that he was right about the ibuprofen, it's so much better than the vicodin, which is wearing off in 2-4 hours, eight hours us a mere dream. The ibuprofen lasts 6-7, which is like a fucking gift.

So I'm off the diet until the tooth is better, because I have to have my belly full every time I am taking a pill, which is like eight times a day, and almost everything I eat is crunchy, like celery and almonds, and I have to eat soft things. And when I am up in the middle of the night taking a pill, there needs to be something that I can eat easily.

I lost 17 pounds so far, and I'm not going to worry about it until the root canal, but hopefully I won't end up gaining any weight. I counted my calories yesterday and they weren't bad at all.

And to conclude, ow my toof.

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Okay, I'm home, and now that I'm following all of these DWTS dancers and celebs on Twitter, I'm avoiding it strenuously. Though Louis did say this afternoon that he is wearing more makeup for this dance than he ever has in the whole of his life. And he sure is!

You can tell everyone who is Charlestoning because they all look like they are out of a Mack Sennett movie.

Michael looks extremely tense and serious. He must think he's on the chop this week. According to me he is.

Chuck is doing the Texas Two-Step. Je really is adorable. I love the macho guys on this show. And no, I'm not going to bring up Ty Murray again. Damn! It slipped out!

They are starting with a lasso prop, which Len will hate, especially because it almost hit him in the face, though I think he'd hate it anyway. A fairly slow and lumbering dance, except fr te lifts, which were awesome, but I just love Chuck. A lot of "you can't dance but are adorable!" comments from the judges.

Melissa is doing the Charleston. That is less a Charleston than a tap routine, by my way of looking at it, but I'll also say that it's her best dance so far! And she got two nines and a ten, so the judges agreed with me!

Natalie's doing the Bolero. She had a huge amount of difficulty in rehearsal that looks 100% real, not played up for the cameras. But she's pretty much kicking out the jams for the show.

Ugh, the loathsome Aaron Carter. But how sweet is seeing Michael comfort him after getting his marks last week?He's such a dad. Okay, hateful Aaron is doing the Lambada. I really don't want to see him be sexy. Because I hate him. Have I mentioned that? Even seeing him weep doesn't get me onto his stupid side. And his shirt is open! Yuck! I may not be able to survive this. Wasn't this supposed to be the forbidden dance? Who the heck un-forbade it? He seemed to have a lot of difficulty in grabbing her hands, and the end was a mess. Len is right about it not being raunchy enough, it was like watching Strawberry Shortcake dance the Lambada. Bruno says that the Lambada is Gilles Marini, and there was Gilles in the audience. Lots of terrible comments. I wonder if he'll bawl again?

Mark is doing the two-step. Go Mark! And how cute was it when his kids visited the studio? Great dance, I hope the judges like it. And they did!

Next is Kelly and Louis' Charleston. It's a full-out musical comedy number with like two Charleston steps in it, but an absolute blast. Hooray for Kelly!

Joanna and Derek are doing the Lambada, and they totally aren't going to be getting "not sexy enough" comments that Aaron did. Then they went off and gave a husky a bath. I don't quite get the point, but anything with dogs is okay by me. Derek is doing the dance shirtless! This is the best shoe ever! Awesome dance, super-sexy, they had better get some 10s! Ha, Carrie Ann said, "I hope the children were in bed!" and Tom, quick as a wink, said, "I bet some of the adults are now!" Best host on tv, no question. Two 9s and an 8. No 10.

Donny is doing the Charleston. Thank God it's not the Lambada. Of the three Charlestons, this one has the most actual Charlestoning in it. Love it, love Donny all the way.

Michael is doing the bolero. Come on, Michael. It was a little boring, but what are you gonna do? He got a 16, he's the lowest on the board, and I doubt that Louie or Mya will go lower.

Louie is learning how to do the two-step by humping bales of hay around Ty Murray's ranch! Both Ty and Gilles back to visit today! Best show ever. Not a good dance, Chelsie is dancing, Louie is just walking around. Len agrees with me entirely. Might go below Michael! Nope, but tied!

Mya the Awesome is doing the Lambada. Might out-sex Joanna and Derek! They worked on the choreography together to please Len, hope that doesn't backfire, as it nearly always does. They are both greased up like pole dancers. She's tied for first with Melissa, two 10s and an 8!

I think Michael is probably gone, though Louie's kind of skirting the edge as well.

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Hooray, it's Dancing With the Stars night! And it's Latin night, which means acres and acres of waxed, spray-tanned male chest on display.

I decided on my order for the season, let's see how well I do:

1. Mya
2. Donny
3. Aaron (I know, but I hate the little shit and I love Donny, and I think America will agree with me)
4. Joanna
5. Kelly
6. Natalie
7. Louie
8. Chuck
9. Mark
10. Melissa
11. Michael
12. Debi
13. Tom

Starting with Mark and the rhumba. Started out well, but then in the middle it was all Lacy dancing like crazy around him and it was kind of boring.

Joanna and the samba. I love Joanna, but this is a muy tame, slow, unsexy samba. The judges disagree, they thought it was supersexy. I'm very pleased to be disagreed with.

Mya is dancing the rhumba. And they have started with the silly setups already in the making-of-the-dance sequences, but I'll bet it's pretty hard to make Mya look like she's struggling, they've gotta do something. Did her feet leave the floor? Is Carrie-Ann going to knock them down? Apparently, she was so mesmerized, she can't call it! I thought it was way awesome, and definitely had a lift in it. Wow, two 10s! And a 7 from Len, who is clearly heading rapidly into demetia.

Melissa is doing the samba. Why does Mark have a pompadour for the second week in a row? And is Melissa going to mention her kids every single solitary week? Or is her new name Melissa Mom of Two Hart? Okay, the samba is not her dance. Poor thing. Sexy Latin rhythm ain't her thing.

Louie is doing the rhumba. And his hair is all slicked back and he looks so grown-up! It's adorable! Um, Total Exclipse of the Heart, really? Completely awesome, great dance, he was really hot, no matter how much I feel like a child molester when I say that. Chelsea and Louie are totally hooking up. Len gives him a 5. Clearly, he is not only in dementia, he is in the latter stages. He may start shitting himself on camera.

Debi is doing the samba. Why is she wearing a parka over her costume? They bring in a former celebrity partner of dance whom I have no idea who it is. Black British woman. O, apparently it's Scary Spice. She looks really different than she did in 1990. As we all do, frankly. Ah, that's why she's wearing the parka, it's covering the ugliest costume in captivity. How many Muppets were killed and skinned to make that dress?

Donny's doing the rhumba. Go Donny! Ooh. Unfortunately, this is not his dance. Don't let me down, Donny, I put you as third for the season! Ha! Bruno called Donny a bit airy fairy, and Donny ran over and kissed and dipped him as Bruno yelled, "Come to the dark side!" This show gets weird at times, but it's never boring! Much better scores than I expected. Len keeps giving the great routines low scores and the so-so ones great scores!

Michael is doing the samba. I don't think this will work, but he looks better in practice than I thought he would.

(Aw, Tom just called the performers coming up the athlete, the singer, and the Osbourne. Poor Kelly, she's just a professional member of her family!)

Back to Michael. Wow, he's doing pretty well! Definitely the best hip action of the men thus far! Bruno says that he had no rhythm, I don't know where his eyes were. None of them liked it, I liked it much better than they did!

Natalie does the rhumba. I cannot judge the dance, I am completely distracted by the fact that she is wearing the ugliest costume imaginable. Apparently, it was good, according to the judges. But why was she wearing half a caftan over a bikini?

Chuck is doing the samba. Anya just said to him, "Shoulders down, boobies up!" I love Anna. And Chuck got a pedicure with his daughter. He's gonna have to work real hard at Ultimate Fighting after this, he's throwing away years of toughness on this show. Pretty good! Not great, but by golly he tries.

Aaron and his massive attitude are doing the rhumba. Will there be room for his partner? What is he wearing? Why is he in a light blue shortie robe for a shirt? Did the costumers spend the week snorting heroin and nodding out all week, then had to improvise at the last minute? It would explain a lot. Not a great dance. Yay! You suck, Aaron!

Tom has a stress fracture, they have been teasing all night about whether he'll dance or not, he has a stress fracture and may be developing a second one. Yes, he has stress fractures in both feet. He is dancing anyway, and he's my call to leave this week, but he might not for sentimental reasons. I remember Steve O lasted longer than expected due to sympathy of his injuries. He's actually doing pretty well, not even taking stress fractures into consideration! I'll bet he won't be at the bottom. And he's not, Michael is below him.

Kelly is doing the samba. She kind if blew it last week, c'mon Kelly! Yay, she did real well and gave Louie a big fat smootch at the end. Decent score!

They ended up Mya, Natalie, Joanna, Donny/Aaron tied, Louie/Kelly tied, Melissa, Mark, Chuck/Debi tied, Tom, Michael.

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